My Dating App Disasters: Including the Guy Who Brought His Mom to Our Coffee Date
My Dating App Disasters: Including the Guy Who Brought His Mom to Our Coffee Date
He said he was bringing a plus-one to coffee. I assumed he meant emotional baggage, not his actual mother.
Look, I'm not alone in this wild dating app journey. According to recent statistics, over 350 million people worldwide are swiping their way through potential soulmates (or at least potential coffee dates). So statistically speaking, some of these had to go wrong, right? RIGHT?
Let me walk you through my greatest hits (and by hits, I mean face-plants) in the world of digital dating.
The Mom Surprise Picture it: A cozy coffee shop, me in my carefully chosen "casual but cute" outfit, and Brad* walking in with... his mother. Not kidding. She ordered a chai latte and proceeded to interview me about my "intentions with her son." Apparently, 79% of dating app users are aged 18-29, but nobody mentioned the possibility of a parental chaperone. (*Name changed to protect the mortifyingly dependent)
The Catfish Situation Remember when filters were just something you put in coffee makers? This guy's profile pics were apparently taken during the Obama administration. When we met, he looked less "rugged mountain climber" and more "hasn't left his gaming chair since 2015." According to dating etiquette experts, authenticity is key in modern dating. Someone should've told him that.
The MLM Pitch Date Jake seemed perfect on paper. Too perfect, as it turns out. Halfway through our coffee date, he whipped out a PowerPoint presentation about essential oils. I wish I was joking. Among the worst date stories ever shared, at least mine didn't end with anyone in an ambulance (though I did consider faking a medical emergency to escape).
The Ex-Obsessed Guy This guy mentioned his ex exactly 47 times in one hour. I counted. He even had a framed photo of her as his phone background. According to modern dating guidelines, you should be emotionally ready before seeking a relationship. I'm no therapist, but maybe having a shrine to your ex isn't the best starting point?
Why I'm Still Swiping Despite these disasters (or maybe because of them – I mean, these stories are gold for my blog), I'm still out there in the dating app wilderness. After all, Bumble was the most downloaded dating app recently, so clearly I'm not the only optimist left standing.
Plus, every terrible date is just content for my next post. (Silver linings, people!)
What's your worst dating app story? Please restore my faith in humanity (or at least in coffee dates). And if you've ever had someone bring their mom to a first date, please tell me I'm not alone in this special circle of dating hell.
P.S. To Brad's mom, if you're reading this: Yes, I still have a 401(k), and no, I don't want to friend you on Facebook.
(Names changed to protect the guilty, but the stories are unfortunately 100% real. My therapist is having a field day with all of this.)