The Great Plant Parent Failure of 2025: A Succulent Serial Killer's Confession
The Great Plant Parent Failure of 2025: A Succulent Serial Killer's Confession
I've killed seven succulents. SUCCULENTS. The plants that 'literally can't die.' Challenge accepted, apparently.
You'd think after my previous attempts at adulting went sideways, I'd stick to fake plants. But no. According to recent statistics, Millennials like me increased their houseplant purchases by 65% in 2021. I'm nothing if not a follower of trends (and questionable life choices).
It started innocently enough at the local plant shop. "These are impossible to kill," the owner said, gesturing to a shelf of adorable succulents. "Perfect for beginners." (Narrator: They were not perfect for beginners.)
I bought three. Named them. Created their Instagram debuts. Meet Spike, Jade, and Bob (yes, Bob the succulent – I never claimed to be creative). For two glorious weeks, I was living that plant parent life everyone talks about. According to psychology research, caring for plants can boost mental health and provide a sense of purpose. Ha. The only purpose I found was new and innovative ways to commit planticide.
The decline started slowly. First, Bob's leaves got mushy. Then Spike started dropping parts of himself like he was at a strip club. Jade just... gave up. Apparently, overwatering is the leading cause of houseplant death, which seems ridiculous because who knew you could love something to death? (My ex would probably have some thoughts about that.)
Cue the 2 AM Google spiral: "why is my succulent dying," "can succulents get depression," "plant therapist near me." Fun fact: The houseplant industry is worth $19.43 billion – I'm pretty sure half of that is just replacing dead plants.
In my panic, I did what any rational person would do: I overwatered them MORE. Because if a little water didn't help, surely drowning them would do the trick, right? According to plant care experts, this is exactly what NOT to do. (Oops.)
Eventually, I had to accept my black thumb status. Seven succulents later, I've learned that some people are meant to nurture life, and others... well, others should stick to plastic plants and pet rocks. Like everything else in life, social media makes it look so easy. Nobody posts about their plant morgue.
Plant parents: How do you keep things alive? Asking for my eighth succulent. (Just kidding, I'm not allowed in plant shops anymore. They have my picture behind the counter.)
P.S. If anyone needs me, I'll be building a tiny coffin for Bob. He deserved better.